As Summer is winding down and the scent of suntan oil in the air will soon be replaced with the scent of freshly sharpened pencils I have been forced to confront some realizations. Harsh truths, if you will, of failed goals and what could possibly be an overinflated sense of my own capabilities.

Some background for consideration.

I work for the school district so I am fortunate enough to spend the summer at home. This leaves me all kinds of  time to live the dream. In previous years the aforementioned “dream” has largely consisted of running the dishwasher approximately 32 times a day and folding enough towels to dry off an Olympic swim team. It’s ah-mAzing.

This year I promised myself to set some goals. Attainable goals. My summer would not be spent providing housekeeping services for my family. (Disclaimer: except it totally still would, unless I was willing to embrace a living space that would make the producers of “Hoarders” run screaming from the ‘hood. However, since I would be basking in the glory of all my accomplishments, my towels would be folded with much less anger. Winning!)

Let’s dive into the goals now, shall we? I decided to approach this list with full thought. I needed things that met both requirements of 1) meaningful to me and 2) possible to accomplish.

Shouldn’t be too hard, right?

Riiiiiighhhht (she says sarcastically). Here goes.

Master the art of growing succulents

Do you know what plant people say when you buy succulents? “Only an idiot could kill one of these.” Well, I think it’s safe to say that MENSA won’t be calling me anytime soon. I can’t keep one of these little bastards alive. They see me and they shrivel to dust. [Note – I know you will be tempted here to regale me with your expertise. It happens every time I tell someone I kill these miraculously sturdy plants. Don’t. Waste. Your Time. It will die under my tutelage.]

Chalk paint everything in the house

The plan was to channel my inner Joanna Gaines and renovate the outdated right out of my house. I managed to paint one barstool. Out of four. And even now as I type this I noticed I forgot to spray the bottom rungs. Yep. A real home renovation pro-fresh-onal. [Note – one would think that after exposing a failed goal one would be motivated to finish one’s project if even out of sheer humiliation. Nope. Nuh uh. ]

Become a Planet Fitness powerhouse

I think this goal is pretty self explanatory. And so is the result. Let’s just say there’s no warm “Norm!” greeting by staff and patrons as I enter the establishment.

Memorize the lyrics to “Thunder” by Imagine Dragons

We were blessed enough to travel to an Imagine Dragons concert in California this summer. Besides being a dream come true for my 11 year-old uber fan it was a fabulous family vacation. I had every intention of memorizing the lyrics to this popular song for a couple of reasons, 1) it’s one of my kiddo’s favorites and 2) I wanted to be able to sing collectively with the concert audience, share knowing glances with fellow fans as we shouted out the meaningful lyrics and looked disdainfully at “posers” who only knew the key phrase “Thunder…Feel the Thunder…Lighting and the Thunder.”  Well…I’m quite sure you can see where this is going.

So, what DID I manage to accomplish this summer?

• laughter
• relaxation
• vacation
• laughter
• laughter
• laughter

Okay, so I didn’t meet my goals. Oh, well. There’s always next summer. And with my track record, I’m sure it will be super productive.